1.) You’ve been yucking my yum all day. What’s going on with you? -Vice President of the United State’s daughter while speaking to President of the United States love interest. (1:34)

The 2023 made for TV film Red White and Royal Blue is a movie which never saw theatres because if a fish lives above water it will surely die. When you are sitting in your bed watching it on your phone or a tasteful ipad you may think about how when fish are thrown out of water they die an embarrassing death with little to no decorum. Everyone says that the ideal death is one in their sleep, the kind where you don’t know that it’s happening. Do fish stare up at the top of the lake like it’s a ceiling and feel frightened that they will die? Do they go on new diets to prevent it from coming sooner? Is death the greatest yuck to the young man’s yum?

2.) In the reign of Queen Victoria, they were having food fights all of the time – Prince of England love interest ~ Vicky! Classic – president of the United State’s son love interest while he does the woah. (14:48)

I am almost certain that neither of the love interests in the 2023 made for TV film Red White and Royal Blue are homosexual. This is because we homosexuals are always haunted by the burning of The Library of Alexandria. You can see it in our eyes. When I watch this film I wonder if it takes place in an alternate universe where Julius Caesar minded his own business. This must be a universe where Julius Caesar never existed because that otherwise is an impossible universe. What do they call Ceaser salads in the universe of the 2023 made for TV film Red White and Royal Blue? Are there Ceaser Salads at all?

3.) In the so called cake gate controversy…you can already see the potential outlines of the president’s campaign could be about next year – Literally Racheal Maddow (19:26)

My father watches MSNBC like it might fix all the problems of the world. As if one more straight white cisgender man listens to Racheal Maddow’s voice Donald Trump might drop dead on the floor and systemic oppression might dissolve like an hourglass never to be flipped over again. I think of this when I watch the 2023 made for TV film Red White and Royal Blue, though no one wants to think of their father when they watch this movie. I think of locking everyone I know’s Dad into a room and forcing them to watch MSNBC together until they all get haircuts like Racheal Maddow and start talking like her. What did she think when she got the email to be in this movie?

4.) I’m just brushing that working class chip off your shoulder – father of president of the United State’s son love interest while him and president of the United States love interest look out at a comically bad CGI recreation of the Washington monument (20:00)

The Washington Monument is the most phallic of Washington DC’s attractions. I have not been to Washington DC, in fact I have not travelled past Utah but if I was in the nation’s capital I would make this joke. I’ve only ever dated people who wear glasses, and I am worried that people who go to small private liberal arts colleges think they know more about oppression than I ever will because I read 50 books last year and they read 70. I feel like when I talk to other middle class radicals we bump up against each other like bumper cars. I won’t believe in revolution until they learn to dance like no one’s watching.

5.) So are you still – son of the president of the United States love interest ~ Like Stonehedge – prince of England love interest ~ Your royal hardness…or Big Ben – the president of the United States’ son love interest (40:29)

At this point in the 2023 made for TV film Red White and Royal Blue I am certain I do not want God to be real. I’d hate to see such a thing cry.

6.) We’re gonna need some pizza – Uma Thermon who is president of the United States after the President of the United States love interest comes out to her. (1:08:51)

There will never be a woman president of The United States because Julius Caesar once ruled over Rome. The reason Uma Thurman with a southern accent can be president in this movie is because, as we’ve established, there was no Julius Caesar in the universe of the 2023 made for TV film Red White and Royal Blue. I fell and scraped my knee because I was so distracted thinking about this and I hated the sun a little bit more than I did before. The hardest part of being American is how often I cry over it while it throws its food like a toddler. So much of this might be solved if it had a mother.

7.) You are talking to the patron saint of gender neutral bathrooms in Austin you little shit – father of president of the United State’s son love interest (1:13:33)

My darling friend who goes to college in Ohio can’t take a dance class next term because they’ve made it law that everyone must go to the changing room of their birth gender. He has just started to grow a beard so this is a bit inconvenient. I want to live in a world with transgender infested bathrooms and changing rooms in Texas. I want to gossip at the sinks with people who aren’t afraid of the way that I walk. England has a higher body count than I ever will. What else is there to daydream about?

8.) I’m not gonna get any work done until you get these two love sick homosexuals on the phone with one another – the white house publicist? (1:36:49)

The 2023 made for TV film Red White and Royal Blue is classified as a romantic comedy, but I am growing gills and fins. God, that is all I am these days? I might be married by now if I had a better attitude, but there are some things that only ever seem to work written down and not spoken. Perhaps this is what the problem with the 2023 made for TV film Red White and Royal Blue is. Perhaps it too is a fish taken out of water dying an undignified death. I think this could be why women prefer written erotica and why yellowstone must be contained. Perhaps I will read the book and replace the dust jacket with a more sensible read like Beowulf or the poetry of Robert Frost. There will never be another discovery as great as electricity until we understand chemistry. There will never be a movie like this again until I get laid by a lesbian with a horrible taste in women…among other things.

9.) Ellen Claremort Diaz has been reelected as president – Literally not even joking Racheal Maddow after they flip Texas blue (1:49:03)

My father hasn’t been watching MSNBC lately. He realized that a man of his kind couldn’t save the world by listening to Racheal Maddow talk. I used to hear it in the background of our phone calls. I see more flags saluting Trump than Christmas lights in my hometown come December. The 2023 made for TV movie Red White and Royal Blue is science fiction because Uma Thurman is president and the Washington monument is computer generated.

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Merlin June Mack (they/them) is a hemiplegic writer from Southern California. Their work explores joy, the real in the unreal and other hyper femme adjacent daydreams. Merlin has been published in magazines such as The Lavender Review, All Existing Magazine, and Twin Bird Review. Their work has also been Best of Net nominated. You can find Merlin on Instagram @merlin_june_is_a_lover or reading a book with at least one good literary motif in it. Their name is like the bird not the wizard.