i am reminded i am too much of my mother and not enough of her, 

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤin equal parts.

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on good days i am sure we used to be twin sisters in a past life:  fast friends

thick as thieves

(or blood)

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but on most days we are strangers playing roles in an oddly cast play. there’s been a mixup:

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤi am sure she needs a mother more than i

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤand if i were to raise a daughter,

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤi may have done it differently

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she is a girl in heels 4 sizes too big.

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i run into her smile painted across my face in the mirror.

her whimsy hides behind my curtains; waiting for a chance to emerge 

her bubbling anger froths in my veins.

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i am reflection and audience

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and a child asking for a chance

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i am an unwillng parent with an appetite for the world.

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my mother inherited the absence of a present mother

I am sure i inherited the presence of an absent one

its all the same thing anyway

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i knew she had a mother wound because i saw it in a self portrait i once made

i know we are strangers because i dont recognise her when she smiles at me

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and yet

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there are days when she is the sun

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤand i am the first day of spring

i am a sick child and she is a prayer mat,

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤalways unfolded

she is forever a lighthouse casting a beam onto the sea,

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ and i am ship with a promise to come home

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Maria Mian is a writer and photographer from Lahore, Pakistan. Her work explores intimacy, memory and the politics of everyday life. She is the founder and archivist of Lovers in Parks, an ongoing photographic project documenting expressions of intimacy in public spaces across South Asia.

You can find her on Instagram @mariawaheedmian
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Picture Credits: Musa Ali Chaudhry